Marshmallow World

ISSUE #33

For years, I've been combing through Christmas songs trying to weed out the good from the grating, and it looks like my labors are finally paying off. I now have an audience for whom I can lay down the final ranking of the Best Christmas Songs, so we can settle the debate that's been keeping us up at night for years, and we can finally stop sacrificing our children at the altar of the War on Christmas.

I'm sorry I had to be so Christian about it— I frankly don't know any Chanukah songs or Kwanzaa songs, and unfortunately I was born into the middle of the country, where I grew up in the imperialist religion, as well as the imperialist race and the imperialist gender and the imperialist sexual orientation (all perfect reasons for me to keep my damn mouth shut). But alas, I've committed to this weekly, and I grew up with Christmas, so now we're here.

The worst Christmas songs are blatant cash-grabs, but the good ones are the songs that address the sadness of the season, and the best help us focus not on the cold outside but on the warmth we bring to each other. I did include a few secular standards too, so hello, Joni Mitchell fans! Also, I'm saving my energy for our year-end extravaganza (some of you know), so I'm keeping this short and tight. I honestly already had this playlist in the barrel because I use it every year. Now you can use it this year! Chances are you'll end up somewhere you'll need it this month.

The first song is the best, and the 22nd song is the 22nd best. No compromises! Except Mariah, she's been all over this list from top to bottom over the years— that song is the hardest thing I've ever had to rank.