House Commons: Slytherin

ISSUE #24

Let's get evil! Today I find myself in the unenviable position of trying to defend Slytherin. It seems Rowling didn't anticipate that real people would be sorted into this house eventually via Pottermore, because Slytherin has only rare, if any, redeeming qualities in the books. It's less like a house and more like a carnival of villains. It feels like the four house attributes were meant to be as follows: brave (sounds good); smart (sure); normal (okay); and, racist (wtf?). Their password in Harry's second years was "pure blood." I mean, my god. How did that fly? Did Dumbledore approve that?

So, I don't know. To discuss Slytherin, I'll either seem like I'm trying to justify bigotry, or I'll be ignoring it, which is just as bad. If I could, I'd wipe away all these connotations and discuss the house strictly in aesthetic terms, because it quite clearly has the best taste. Because of this, they're the problematic fave in a world where problematic faves have turned out to be straight-up unacceptable. It's kind of like early Odd Future (Tyler's on the playlist) — punk as shit but with a ton of language and behavior you have to be willing to ignore just to enjoy them.

But if we could have the Slys without the hate, they're definitely the coolest. They're magic goths in neon green, sitting all slick and freaky in their common room beneath the Great Lake. What a place to hang out! You can listen to some Bauhaus while the resident squid slides his giant ass past the window. These are the dark-and-stormy kids, the seniors from high school who introduced you to the Circle Jerks and Nick Cave. They throw a party at their rich parents' house and you walk in on of those rave scenes from the 1990s, everyone dressed like Neo or Trinity or Christian Slater. Who doesn't want to be the bad boy?

These are example of the Slytherin elites, but there's another type of person who gets into Slytherin: the scum-bums. I sneaked in with this crowd (surprise, I'm in Slytherin), a Bad Thing in the barest sense, all rotten and stinking, who bubbled up from the Mississippi to wreak havoc on all those who would witness me, spouting countless stanzas of degenerate poetry like "fart poop out your butthole." When you feel like a dirtbag, it's easy to identify as a Slytherin — who wants to be liked, anyway? It's rigged against all of us, a game you can't win. "Popularity's a con, man — hey, you ever seen a Harmony Korine movie?" This is, of course, why we're all insufferable.

It's also clear that some are just Gryffindors with depression. If Harry proved that you can differentiate a Gryff from a Sly just by saying "Please not Slytherin," then there are plenty out there who just didn't know they could ask — the ones who didn't know there was another option because they were naturalized to just accept shit as bad and leave it at that. This isn't an excuse to stop being better. Some of us just had to get used to playing the cards we were dealt rather than making a fuss about it.

Slytherin's biggest strength, though, is the music itself. Chelsea Wolfe, Depeche Mode, Portishead, Kavinsky, House of Balloons-era The Weeknd — this is 100% my shit. These songs are nasty. Just in time for Halloween too, which is why I wanted to end with Slytherin. I hope you can use these to get yourself in the mood for the a whole month of pumpkins and leaves.

Which is to say that this wraps it up for Pottermonth! Thanks for listening, all, and for non-Potter fans, I do apologize. There will be plenty of variety in the themes going forward (probably be nerdy, though). I appreciate you sticking with me. I'm always taking suggestions!